Online Dating App Lotto

It’s a Sunday night. You finally decide to download that app “bumble,” which sounds like it should be an app for finding locally sourced honey but it’s not, it’s for finding locally sourced dick. Okay, men. You upload carefully curated pictures of you smiling, looking cute hiking, having wine with the girls, and/or one where you’re half naked on the beach 5 years ago when you were significantly younger looking because you fucking love the beach. And then you write your bio where you list your likes and dislikes that involve some nature scene and first world problem. You include your star sign and a series or random emoji’s for effect. Then you start swiping hoping to meet a cutie that seems better than the last thousand no’s you swiped. It’s like winning the lottery. You put in your entry hoping you get picked. But instead of hoping and waiting to see if you’ve been picked. You spend endless hours looking through all the entries to find out it was all a waste of time and maybe 6th place would do. You don’t necessarily want to be spending time or energy on this thing but you keep thinking maybe there might be someone I kind of like if I spend enough time on it. Like taking an online survey or trying to find a coupon that would actually save some money vs. the time you’ve already spent looking for it. It is mostly pointless and you know it’s pointless leading to a strange habit that just naturally occurs when you sit on your toilet but your like “eh, I already spent x amount of time on this, what’s three more minutes going to do?” And then you start feeling lonely because you start thinking about how easy it was to meet boys in college. And then you start loathing yourself because you’ve become this extremely vain person that swipes on a perfectly good human being without blinking an eye. You look back to the days before online dating and long for your ignorant blissful days before you’ve became a monster addicting to swiping no on complete strangers. Then when you’ve finally found someone who you can even remotely imagine having a beer with you finally exchange your real number and text for an odd number of days and set up a date/plan. You meet on said date and realize that you can’t leave even though the chemistry is dead as an uncooked potato because you’ve already invested so much time on this already. You make up some stupid excuse why you have to leave like your cat has cancer and you can’t leave him too long. And you leave feeling so stupid thinking online dating actually ever works. You delete the app but after a couple of weeks get really bored and decide to peak on it for a couple of minutes which leads to hours. You feel that power again of rejecting people’s faces without the in-person guilt. And then the cycle goes through again almost like having a relationship without the other person, you go through a wave of hope and disappointment only to find you can only rely on the simple things in life like your cat who thankfully doesn’t have cancer.


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